Your Giggles for Today

A guy calls 911 in a panic. “My wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!” “Calm down,” the 911 operator says. “Is this her first child?” “No, you idiot!” the guy shouts. “This is her husband!”

A little girl asks her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother answers, “Well, God made Adam and Eve and then they had kids. So all mankind was made.” Two days later the little girl asks her father the exact same question. The father answers, “Many years ago, there were monkeys from which the entire human race evolved.” The confused little girl returns to her mother and says, “Mom, you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said man developed from monkeys. Why do you have different stories?” The mother answers, “Well, I was referring to my side of the family and your dad was talking about his side.” (Lol! A oldie that needed repeating).

“When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me . . . no one showed up.”—RODNEY DANGERFIELD

A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.” (OK corny, but cute)

Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?” One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.” “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher. (Lol! You know that teacher is a Democrat).

A young boy runs into the house and excitedly shows his mother a fifty-dollar bill he found in the park. “Are you sure it was lost?” the mother asks. “I’m positive,” the boy replies. “I even saw the guy looking for it.”

A teacher asks her class, “True or false? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia.” “False,” says a boy in the back. “It was written in ink.”

A teacher walks over to the desk of a student during an exam and says to him, “I hope I didn’t just see you looking over at your neighbor’s answers.” The boy replies, “Yeah, I hope you didn’t see it either.”

A school teacher notices a student is getting much better with numbers than he was just a few weeks earlier. “Your counting has improved,” the teacher tells him after class. “Thanks,” the boy says. “My dad will be glad to hear that. He’s been working on them with me every night and weekend.” “Fantastic,” the teacher replies. “So here’s a quick quiz—what comes after nine?” “Ten,” the boy replies enthusiastically. “Right, and what comes after ten?” the teacher quizzes. “The jack!” the boy answers. (Snickering)

“We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.”—STEWART FRANCIS

A husband and wife are visiting the wife’s family during the holidays. Her mother is a stickler for her food intake, and will only eat organic and fresh foods. The husband goes to the store with specific instructions on the type of foods to buy. “Excuse me,” the man asks the grocer, “are these vegetables sprayed with any harmful chemicals or pesticides that could kill a person?” “Nope,” answers the grocer proudly. “Okay,” says the man, “I guess I’ll just have to do that part myself.” (Remember, this is a joke (big grin)).

A church pastor is invited to dinner at the house of a parishioner. The pastor sits at the table with the family. The mom requests her daughter, age six, say grace before the meal. She sits in silence. “It’s okay, dear,” the mother calms her. “You can do it. Just repeat what you heard daddy say before breakfast this morning.” The little girl folds her hands, bows her head, and says in a loud voice, “Oh Christ, why did you invite the pastor over for dinner tonight?” (Lol! Dad could have said something worse).